My Little Nest

Warning: Disturbing subject matter within--Proceed w/ caution.


I'm going home today and I'm v. glad. I need to get away from here--to think. I saw the headshrinker yesterday--he agrees with Elaine,he thinks I may be bipolar and wants me to see the psychiatrist and get medication. I can't take seratonin inhibitors and the idea of lithium is not a pleasant one. I still want to be me at the end of the day, you know?

Natasha's been put on constant bedrest by the midwife and it's driving both of them nutters. Poor Natasha, she despises staying still, let alone in bed. Reporter girls need to be out doing things, and running a million miles a minute. Aunt Stella's been sticking really close to her--she knows what yhis is like, she was put on bedrest w/ Dee and w/ the last set of twins.

I saw Jekyll and Hyde last night, and while it wasn't what I expected it was something I needed. It helped me to understand things that are going on. Life is fluid, there are connections that shouldn't be made that are (Mansfield/Jack the Ripper) and sometimes people you know are the next victims (Kate Eddowes).

Giomannach would be so mad at me right n ow. Knowing him, he'd bop me upside the head and say that I need to get ahold of myself, but Giomannach is dead and there are things he never understood. Life is a battlefield and emotion is weakness. The power of intimidation is a necessity to control a situation, let alone one's destiny. Sweet Eris, though, I miss him, even if he was an impulsive, self-righteous git.

I went through the Tunnel of Oppression last night, and it was moving. When you entered they yelled slurs at you and I was surprised--Scribe called me a whore, but it's all a role. Cole had a monologue about 'did it matter' in the GLBT section and it made me realise again that the peoplpe you're closest to are the betrayals that injure the most. The ED one was a skinny dude refusing food from his friends, who then pressured him to eat. I was correcting it in my head. Most people do that, skip meals, there's a whole other Underworld filled with funhouse mirrors that draws people in and refuses to let them go. It's waking up in the morning and knowing that you're still excess, you still feel the imposition of your weight on space. You're entirely too much, and nothing does any good because unlike that ideal of you that hisses at you at every turn you need! After all, needing anything makes that thing your weakness. Before you actually went into the tunnel, they had posters and things to look at--the one on EDs asked if you skipped at least 1 meal a day and weighed yourself at least once. That was funny. On Ana sites it's 3 times a day, nude, because clothes add weight.

I slipped up last night, had a bit of a lapse, but I was stressed, upset, and my sodding brain wouldn't shut up. I fel like I couldn't escape and so I cut. It didn't bleed much, but it didn't have to, this while there's SI info hanging in the loos and 1 March bein SI Awareness Day. All that, and I lapsed. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Mailkum hucoremilut kithic mealla en aingeal sealgair; resiremen kolimester cauirlerm maisetrern serestre miceura, maliem foreif gael mayean ossiciouf, cayauste reinca beliamerean--Faite Giommanach.