My Little Nest

I intensely dislike my situation right now. I have 3 papers, not all of which I'll be able to finish, finals I'm bloody positive I'm going to flunk, and happen to be in a constant low right now. I did get some sleep yesterday night, which makes my total for this week 9 hours since Sun. These sodding papers have me going completely spare. It feels like banging my head up against a concrete wall would be more productive. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. I've skipped class for the past two days to work on the sodding things because they are such a gigantic deal. One is a 25% of my grade for that class.

For all of you who knew or have heard me talk about Koda and Dakota, they've both died and I have absolutely no time to mourn, because if I do I'm just going to trap myself deeper. Koda went and got herself shot (though I rather think it was her dimwitted, imbecilic brother's fault) and Dakota died from her 3rd heart attack at the age of 22. I haven't seen them in years, not since I first joined Council, but I did keep track of them. And to the rest of my old friends who had turned they're backs on me after I joined up with Council, because I know you still read this even though you never comment, I keep up with you as well. I know I'm not someone you feel you can associate w/ anymore, after all, I was pretty vehement about Council in my day, but ask Sorcha or Lamaia, I've never betrayed you.

The drag show is on the 8th, and I'm happy about that, I'm excited about the show, really I am, and it's bloody hilarious that it falls on Mum's birthday, but at the same time, that fact is not helping my mindset. It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since she died, because sometimes it feels like just days, or even hours. It feels like someone's stabbed me when I think about it (And I know how that feels)and I wish I could just feel numb, nonexistant. Like I could just go to sleep w/ no dreams and never wake up. That said, of course I'll never let anyone see that much of it, after all I have an image to keep up, and most people who read this know how important that is. Showing emotions like those are weakness, a weakness is something you exploit and use. Therefore, pretty masks and doll parts, after all, the show of your life must go on!

I am happy. Now, please don't look to shocked. I came to a realisation today and that is the fact that I actually have friends.

Yes, that's right, friends.

Not close cousins or aquantinces who don't want to get on my bad side, or even people who are nice to me just because they want to be close to the heiress of the Russell line, actual friends. This is an odd situation and I don't know quite how to handle it. I don't think I've ever really had friends, or at least not my own age. People twice my age, yes, ickle kids, yes, but not roughly around my age.

Even Ecstasy, whom I considered the closest thing I had to a friend, may she rest in peace, admitted to me after copious amounts of liquor that she was terrified of me. Now, however, I have people who like me (I think) hang out with me, and are just plain nice to me because of my personality, flawed as it is. This is new, slightly frightening and alo wicked.

I've never been able to say tht before. Most of my so-called friends have either stabbed me in the back, left me once I joined Council, or continue to be pleasant while talking shite behind my back. I'm trying to think of exceptions to this rule--Butterfly's my friend, but I know I scare her sometimes, she's told me so. And Giomannach...

Well, I doubt anyone could say Giomannach and I ever really *got along.* We started out hating each other, and that moved on to some semblance of a relationship, but even that started becaudse I chained the prat to a *chair* because he was going to go off and get himself killed. Sure he annoyed me teasingly, and used to deliberately bait me, but he also didn't like ym outlook on things, too dark for him, and I've never been quite sure whether or not he ever really, truly lovd me, but that's quite another tale.

I think it may be because of the different enviroment of college. All the other friends I've *tried* to make have been in either:
A. Christian School
B. Hereditary families
Let's guess at how that worked out, shall we? *crickts*
Yeah...

So, after the S.A.L.E meeting I went out with a bunch of people to B&A, as has become usual after the meetings. Missa, June and I were discussing going to a gay bar in Harrisburg that has an under-21 section. T jumped in and we were trying to work out when we could all go together.I noticed I had my elbows on the table, my napkin still rolled around my unused silver, and I was slouching in my seat. I realised that my behaviour around these people changed completely. Finishing school and propr etiquette go out the window. I was shocked, bloody floored when I found his out. Never, except with my immediate family had I ever been so relaxed, unworried about seeming a little too sarcastic, my sense of humour a little too dark.

I know I'm a bitch, that I have just a bit of the dark sinister to my character, but with the people from S.A.L.E, and June I don't have to put up false fronts. I can't help but wonder why this is so different, why I feel infinitely more free with them than most people. I'm not sure what to do now, but I think it'd be interesting to find out. You know, it used to be that the most important thing to me, after my family, *was* my reputation, was the fact that people were terrified of me, I always found it humourous when people would trip over their words in front of me or refuse to look me in the eyes. It was amusing. I also enjoyed it when people would fall over themselves to impress me or make me happy. It's just what it's always been for me. It was that way for Mum, it's still that way for Da and Granny, and for me as well.

I remember this one time when Jasper was hanging out with me when I was in a particularly bad mood, right after I had failed a test and he took my blood-flavoured lollypop. Let's just say word got around fast after that incident that one did not come between la belle ophidia regina and her blood-flavoured lollypops.

Understand, I'm not going to change, but somehow things like that seem less-important, more trivial than ever before and I'm unsure of how to deal with it. I suppose I just have to take it one day at a time.
After all, as it says on the Russell crest;
Che Sara Sara