My Little Nest

I had a horrid day. I'v been sick all day and feel like shite. I'm finally slightly up and watching Lost with Laura and trying to understand it. I don't really. I saw a guy get squisheded and something I think was a pagan symbol and a book that looked like a copy of the I-Ching, but I dunno.

My triquetra disappeared off my collar and I'm not happy. I know I promised I'd find a better-suiting pendant, but I got comfy with the triquetra again. So, I was trying to find a new symbol, and as usual, called up my chovihnni and in a two-hour long conversation long distance to Romania that will absolutely kill my my phone bill (sorry Da) we discussed dreams, tarot cards, and new symbols I've been noticing. Out of this conversation came a new agreement that my old friends will find funny: butterflies. My one comment: No girlie ones! To faunalover sorry for stealing your nickname, but I didn't try to!

Speaking of the cards, they've been getting ome exercise lately among my new friends. I read for Heather and Laura during the anime hangout on Saturday which was fun, and last night for Mina. However, I accidentally did read too much into the cards when flipping the empress for like the 8th time "Your mom's a bitch!" Uh...oops. I was concentrating on the cards and my tongue slipped. I still feel bad about that...


Speaking of anime club--it's really starting to get into my head. I've been quickly reading through people's magna. I've finished 1-11 of Fruits Basket, all of Azumanga Daioh, and 1-3 of Saint Tail since last weekend. I've been turned into the anime club Tomoyo, not that I mind, since I'm now making Laura, Heather, Mina and my own cosplay costumes for conventions coming up. Ah, yay, my sewing skills get to come out to play a bit more. Now if I could just figure out who I want to go as.... Also, due to the one anime were watching in club I told my Da tonight 'g'night, sleep tight, don't let the stag beetles bite.' thank you to the crazy anime we're watching for that. I still really like it though. Oh, and shockingly, hanging out with Heather on Fri. and looking through her wallpapers gave me a Sailor Moon plot bunny. Great...now if I can actually get time to write it.

Stoakesay Castle is coming up this weekend, and I really want to go, but I really really don't feel like being mobbed. Here that, Order-mates? If you mob me, no garunteeing how pleasant I'll be, aye? It'll be nice to be home again, and see people again. Campus life is really getting to me. I miss my guys and my homegirls. Sometimes I wonder about things. I've got no one at my back here. I know I need to watch my own, but it's nice to have that group to fall back on, y'know?

Enough for tonight. See you LJ people later.

Warning: Disturbing subject matter within--Proceed w/ caution.


I'm going home today and I'm v. glad. I need to get away from here--to think. I saw the headshrinker yesterday--he agrees with Elaine,he thinks I may be bipolar and wants me to see the psychiatrist and get medication. I can't take seratonin inhibitors and the idea of lithium is not a pleasant one. I still want to be me at the end of the day, you know?

Natasha's been put on constant bedrest by the midwife and it's driving both of them nutters. Poor Natasha, she despises staying still, let alone in bed. Reporter girls need to be out doing things, and running a million miles a minute. Aunt Stella's been sticking really close to her--she knows what yhis is like, she was put on bedrest w/ Dee and w/ the last set of twins.

I saw Jekyll and Hyde last night, and while it wasn't what I expected it was something I needed. It helped me to understand things that are going on. Life is fluid, there are connections that shouldn't be made that are (Mansfield/Jack the Ripper) and sometimes people you know are the next victims (Kate Eddowes).

Giomannach would be so mad at me right n ow. Knowing him, he'd bop me upside the head and say that I need to get ahold of myself, but Giomannach is dead and there are things he never understood. Life is a battlefield and emotion is weakness. The power of intimidation is a necessity to control a situation, let alone one's destiny. Sweet Eris, though, I miss him, even if he was an impulsive, self-righteous git.

I went through the Tunnel of Oppression last night, and it was moving. When you entered they yelled slurs at you and I was surprised--Scribe called me a whore, but it's all a role. Cole had a monologue about 'did it matter' in the GLBT section and it made me realise again that the peoplpe you're closest to are the betrayals that injure the most. The ED one was a skinny dude refusing food from his friends, who then pressured him to eat. I was correcting it in my head. Most people do that, skip meals, there's a whole other Underworld filled with funhouse mirrors that draws people in and refuses to let them go. It's waking up in the morning and knowing that you're still excess, you still feel the imposition of your weight on space. You're entirely too much, and nothing does any good because unlike that ideal of you that hisses at you at every turn you need! After all, needing anything makes that thing your weakness. Before you actually went into the tunnel, they had posters and things to look at--the one on EDs asked if you skipped at least 1 meal a day and weighed yourself at least once. That was funny. On Ana sites it's 3 times a day, nude, because clothes add weight.

I slipped up last night, had a bit of a lapse, but I was stressed, upset, and my sodding brain wouldn't shut up. I fel like I couldn't escape and so I cut. It didn't bleed much, but it didn't have to, this while there's SI info hanging in the loos and 1 March bein SI Awareness Day. All that, and I lapsed. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Mailkum hucoremilut kithic mealla en aingeal sealgair; resiremen kolimester cauirlerm maisetrern serestre miceura, maliem foreif gael mayean ossiciouf, cayauste reinca beliamerean--Faite Giommanach.

I intensely dislike my situation right now. I have 3 papers, not all of which I'll be able to finish, finals I'm bloody positive I'm going to flunk, and happen to be in a constant low right now. I did get some sleep yesterday night, which makes my total for this week 9 hours since Sun. These sodding papers have me going completely spare. It feels like banging my head up against a concrete wall would be more productive. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. I've skipped class for the past two days to work on the sodding things because they are such a gigantic deal. One is a 25% of my grade for that class.

For all of you who knew or have heard me talk about Koda and Dakota, they've both died and I have absolutely no time to mourn, because if I do I'm just going to trap myself deeper. Koda went and got herself shot (though I rather think it was her dimwitted, imbecilic brother's fault) and Dakota died from her 3rd heart attack at the age of 22. I haven't seen them in years, not since I first joined Council, but I did keep track of them. And to the rest of my old friends who had turned they're backs on me after I joined up with Council, because I know you still read this even though you never comment, I keep up with you as well. I know I'm not someone you feel you can associate w/ anymore, after all, I was pretty vehement about Council in my day, but ask Sorcha or Lamaia, I've never betrayed you.

The drag show is on the 8th, and I'm happy about that, I'm excited about the show, really I am, and it's bloody hilarious that it falls on Mum's birthday, but at the same time, that fact is not helping my mindset. It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since she died, because sometimes it feels like just days, or even hours. It feels like someone's stabbed me when I think about it (And I know how that feels)and I wish I could just feel numb, nonexistant. Like I could just go to sleep w/ no dreams and never wake up. That said, of course I'll never let anyone see that much of it, after all I have an image to keep up, and most people who read this know how important that is. Showing emotions like those are weakness, a weakness is something you exploit and use. Therefore, pretty masks and doll parts, after all, the show of your life must go on!

This has been an odd week, one that's been up & down & all around like crazy, & not just because I'm mental. One of the little annoyances is a pet peeve of mine--fonts to small to read properly. My computer has decided to wage war against me & change the font on all the web pages to barely visible gray squiggles. I do not know how to fix this and if I wasn't so reliant on my 2K laptop I'd be severely tempted to defenstrate the sodding thing.
On a good note I have gotten an absolutely *brill* pinstripe suit and dyed my hair a pretty auburn colour. I'm now practically a redhead. Yay! It has been extremely difficult for me to not wear the suit as soon as I got back to campus, since I am one of those people who if they get something new absobloodylutely *must* wear it within the next day or so. It has been more than that and my fingers have been itching, but I'm remaining strong. Only a few more hours and I'll wear the thing all day, w/ my wicked pinstripe fedora. In order to compensate for the travesty of having to wait I have downloaded a few old songs off of LimeWire. A few? Okay, actually ten and a few (3) are still downloading, but I can't help it if I'm feeling old-fashioned! People are always telling me I was born in the wrong time period. In the same vein, I'm thinking about taking swing-dancing lessons. The only thing that's stopping me is my weight, currently better but still *way* too high. Why, oh why can't I look like Aunt Stella? I want to be in a double 0! Bloody hell, I'd be happy if I could get out of the double diget sizes, not thrilled, but pleased, at the v. least.
On a worse note I have three papers due this week & my oh-so-brill printer decided to pick *now* to throw a fit & not print for me. I'm not even contemplating what could happen if the thing won't work. Thank Goddess for the 24hr computer labs, that's all I have to say. Plus I've been swinging between really high and low lately, with nothing in between. I haven't had any middle ground in two wks and have gotten only bits and pieces of sleep, though I lay in bed quite a bit in my free time. Finals are approaching & I, for one, am dreading them. I'm studying, but I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to flunk CNR. CNR is less the bane of my existance with the arrival of the nice teacher, but it doesn't help that I'm learning to say that exactly the opposite of what I've learned in the past six years, is true.
I don't know how I can possibly handle it if I flunk any classes, or even if I get a bad grade on any of my finals. The perfectionist in me is rearing her newly dyed redhead wih a vengeance & has me skittering for solace. Of course, I can never tell anyone this, so if anyone wants to know how I'm holding up the answers are: very well, just barely, & trying hard not to fall into the old vices of not turning things in. Of course, no one here realises this and thinks I'm coping v. well. Yeah, & George W. Bush is going to be the next Miss America.
Slightly better note; the drag show is coming up on Dec. 8th, ironically enough, Mum's birthday. I am immensely excited, but the actress in me is panicking because we haven't had a *single sodding rehearsal.* Luckily enough, I'm not the only one panicking, I think Mr. President is as well. I've been assured that this has happened every year and that it always goes off without any problems, but It's not comforting.
I had fun today I took my bottle of *pink ink* and my quill pen to history class and took notes with it. That was ever so much fun, and I had people pleading with me to do some fancy cursive with it. I attempted, but my calligraphy is far from the best. I do think it amused my history teacher though. This weekend is going to be a blast, though. Saturday Missa, June, and I are going to see Aeon Flux, partially because it looks bloody wicked, partially because Charlize Theron looks absobloodylutely gorgeous. On Sunday I'm going w/ S.A.L.E to see Rent, which although I used to be able to play "Seasons of Love" on the piano I've never seen. Missa assures me she'll drag me to see it in NY someday. I hope so--it's like Phantom of the Opera, good movie, assuredly better on Broadway, though the movie's supposed to be a fairly faithful adaption.
Another good thing came in the mail for me while I was at home, in a sticker-bedecked envelope. Mrs. Greenman sent me pictures from my last day last school term with the 3rd graders. They're cheering me up greatly. I miss the little blighters, and I'm sure many are now gawking at what Siobhan deemed my 'maternal instincts.' So, when I get hoime for winter break I am going to get good ole Elmer to take me to school and I'll spend the day visiting my old teachers and hanging out with the now 4th graders and helping Mrs. Redmond with the current 3rd graders. Yay! Can it be winter break *now?* Well, not now, but right after the drag show? Please? Guess not. Well, 'tis all for now. I'm going to go get a shower and try to blag some sleep. Ta.

Yeah, I know, bad Calypso. I haven't updated this in far too long. I hadn't even graduated at my last entry and now I'm in college. College is not easy. I've got a cool roommate, but that's it. I have practically no friends and it's really starting to get to me. It seems like everyone has *someone* and I have no one. Well, at school anyway. It doesn't help that I'm in the all-girl dorm. That was a big mistake on my part. I know most of my friends are guys and I made the transition into an all-girl dorm where people are vicious, catty, and vindictive.
Whoa--I really *must* be feeling worse than I thought because I decried viciousness, cattiness, and vindictiveness in one sentence. I just scared myself. What am I becoming? I feel as if I'm losing my identity in this. I actually cried today, about nothing in particular. I feel like the heroine in one of those old Victorian romance novels, swooning and pining fashionably for something she doesn't know or understand. I also ended up binging like a complete pig and contemplated just calling Da and asking him to bring me home for the weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Grr...Medea help me I should just go out and start hexing random people. I won't, but it would probably make me feel better.
Classes are okay, I'm doing fine academically and it's one of the few times I actually enjoy myself on campus. I am so tired of hanging in my room playing solitaire and watching cheesy television. It's so unlike my hometown and like it at the same time. There are a bunch of people I don't know and things I don't want to do, but I never got this way at home unless something triggered me or I was on such an adrenaline high for a long time that when you crash you crash hard. I'm actually voluntarily going back to therapy on-campus mainly because the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. Once again I implore the universe to answer the question of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm used to being alone, I'm used to having no friends, so why is this *sodding* situation effecting me like this? I'm tempted to go to Aunt M--'s but I can't go there like this, if I have to break down I'll break down privately thank you. If my moods were unpredictable at home their verging on insanely random here. One minute I'm so high you'd swear I just took Accela or ecstasy and the next I'm bawling in my room like my heart just got broken. If people didn't know me well and saw this they would think I was drugged up. Obviously, as I've been extremely screwed up thanks to drugs I would never ever do them, but no one knows that here. The dorm is practically empty, even my RA is gone and when you think that would make me feel better I just feel worse. Damn I hate these emotions, and I wish I could just turn them off again. I'm so bloody emotional that the cards can't (or won't) show me anything but my own shite. As if I didn't know how miserable I feel.
And rather than logically dissecting everything like I was planning on doing I ended up ranting and rambling like a strumpet in a tantrum. I implore your forgiveness readers, and as always, feel free to comment.