My Little Nest

It's been ages since I updated, I know. It's been all over. hecticity came to visit, and I'm getting ready to be in a friend's wedding, which I don't think will make it that far, but...

I'm going to be going to a poetry slam next week and reading, and April 19-26th I'll be going to see Adam Pascal in concert. Sounds like everything's been fantastic, right?

Yeah, i wish. Nothing's been wrong per se, I just had a major crash, so I'm probably seeing this as far more dark than I should, but a lot of stuff just seems to be going to smash. Granny's becoming neurotic about my weight and pressuring me to get this for the wedding so all of my "lumps and rolls" don't show.

And of course, mid-crash I binged today...and now I really want to relapse. My stupid logic definitely is not helping, since you need to be under a certain BMI to be considered anorectic, and most of the physical symptoms I don't have. (The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles, body weight below 85% of what is expected.) and otherwise, according to most doctors (at least around here) it's a phase. And St. Catherine of Siena was sainted because she refused to eat, it was taken to be religious at the time.

Bad idea, really bad idea, but really incredibly tempting. I am also stressing over the fact that I can't find my Neon Ballroom CD, because one can only listen to 4st. 7lb. so many times on repeat (thank Circe for Youtube). I know, bad bad bad.... Wasted is sitting on my dresser. I haven't touched it yet, but I really haven't stopped thinking about reading it again. Even a really long nap didn't help.

I so suck.

Being ED-NOS sucks. MAkign people worry about you sucks, because then you feel all guilty. Not having insurance that will cover therapy, and too scared too suggest it otherwise? REALLY REALLY sucks. Stupid major medical.

Okay, shutting up now.

Yay! I found the Youtube vid! *shares*

Warning: Disturbing subject matter within--Proceed w/ caution.


I'm going home today and I'm v. glad. I need to get away from here--to think. I saw the headshrinker yesterday--he agrees with Elaine,he thinks I may be bipolar and wants me to see the psychiatrist and get medication. I can't take seratonin inhibitors and the idea of lithium is not a pleasant one. I still want to be me at the end of the day, you know?

Natasha's been put on constant bedrest by the midwife and it's driving both of them nutters. Poor Natasha, she despises staying still, let alone in bed. Reporter girls need to be out doing things, and running a million miles a minute. Aunt Stella's been sticking really close to her--she knows what yhis is like, she was put on bedrest w/ Dee and w/ the last set of twins.

I saw Jekyll and Hyde last night, and while it wasn't what I expected it was something I needed. It helped me to understand things that are going on. Life is fluid, there are connections that shouldn't be made that are (Mansfield/Jack the Ripper) and sometimes people you know are the next victims (Kate Eddowes).

Giomannach would be so mad at me right n ow. Knowing him, he'd bop me upside the head and say that I need to get ahold of myself, but Giomannach is dead and there are things he never understood. Life is a battlefield and emotion is weakness. The power of intimidation is a necessity to control a situation, let alone one's destiny. Sweet Eris, though, I miss him, even if he was an impulsive, self-righteous git.

I went through the Tunnel of Oppression last night, and it was moving. When you entered they yelled slurs at you and I was surprised--Scribe called me a whore, but it's all a role. Cole had a monologue about 'did it matter' in the GLBT section and it made me realise again that the peoplpe you're closest to are the betrayals that injure the most. The ED one was a skinny dude refusing food from his friends, who then pressured him to eat. I was correcting it in my head. Most people do that, skip meals, there's a whole other Underworld filled with funhouse mirrors that draws people in and refuses to let them go. It's waking up in the morning and knowing that you're still excess, you still feel the imposition of your weight on space. You're entirely too much, and nothing does any good because unlike that ideal of you that hisses at you at every turn you need! After all, needing anything makes that thing your weakness. Before you actually went into the tunnel, they had posters and things to look at--the one on EDs asked if you skipped at least 1 meal a day and weighed yourself at least once. That was funny. On Ana sites it's 3 times a day, nude, because clothes add weight.

I slipped up last night, had a bit of a lapse, but I was stressed, upset, and my sodding brain wouldn't shut up. I fel like I couldn't escape and so I cut. It didn't bleed much, but it didn't have to, this while there's SI info hanging in the loos and 1 March bein SI Awareness Day. All that, and I lapsed. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Mailkum hucoremilut kithic mealla en aingeal sealgair; resiremen kolimester cauirlerm maisetrern serestre miceura, maliem foreif gael mayean ossiciouf, cayauste reinca beliamerean--Faite Giommanach.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm not good enough at anything save my workings. I'm on academic probation and I can't afford to fail out, but I feel as if I am. If I fail out what can I do? I can't work a blue-collar job and I couldn't survive in a corporate desk job. Even if I manage to graduate, what does one do with a B.A. in English? I couldn't teach and any other majpr I find even slightly interesting poses the same problems.

The only thing I am ever extraordinary at is my workings and as a full-time job, well the pay is horrid, unless you indulge in some illegalities. What am I doing here? What good will college do me? It's like high school all over again--not at all like I pictured it. I pictured intelligent debate over important issues, not the Gideons handing out pocket testaments and people being closeminded gits. I know not ev eryone is, but still.

I've been trying to be the good student, the good girl, the careful, thoughtful one and that could just go to smash right now, because I'm sick of it. I've been passive thus far because this is new territory, even in 2nd semestre college is still new. I wasn't sure if I was still la ophidia regina, and sure enough, some things haven't changed. I can still get around wards and break with the best (or worst) of my clanmates. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying my best and being mediocre at everything I do, save that. I knew that before coming here, and it's not helping me here.

Do I even belong oin college? Where can I go after this? My mind is racing and it won't shut up. If I flunk out I have no future--you need a college degree to be mobile nowadays--unless I move to a big city like London with a small nest egg and live he starving artist life--trying to sell writings to anyone and living hand to mouth. While there is an appeal to that, I'll admit, I'm not well-suited for that life. I like pretty things far too much.

I made an appointment at the counseling centre--and I thoroughly despise those questionaires. What do you mean do I have the urge to hurt myself? What do you mean do I have trouble concentrating? Like right now? Ever? Like in the past? Like when I feel like I'm breaking? So I just checked 'Unsure' for half of their questions. Do I have body issues? Stupid question. I know that. I think those questionnaires are made to make you look like you're completely, undeniably mental. I swear, if someone asks me what my goals are I'll scream.

Goals? How about not feeling like a total mental case, how about not looking in a mirror and seeing myself as taking up too much damn space. How about not feeling like I'm almost totally worthless; that I have to live up to that ideal of me in my head?
All right, enough ranting; I have class.

Well, I had a day and a half, or so it seems. I had my first headshrinker appointment this morning. It went fairly okay, it was mainly a get-to-know-you session, a goal that is always accomplished by asking awkward questions about my past and how I feel. It was pretty much what I expected. She seemed rather...soft. I'm ging back on 7th Oct at 11:00, which also happens to be the first day of fall break. Now I have to tell Da to pick me up later than nusual, and I want to go home!
Granny and Buzz were getting all packed up to leave Wildwood tonight after Buzz watched N.C.I.S. So, by my estimation they should be over the PA state line by now, or almost. Granny said that they couldn't relax or feel comfortable anymore so that's why they were leaving days early.
On the academic front I got a B on my General Psych exam--*pause*--that's a good score--I guess. I really wished it could have been higher, though. Hey, I may be trying hard to rein it in, but I'm still a perfectionist. I cn't change who I am, after all. I had an essay exam in Intro to Lit today and I do believe I bombed. I thought I could do decent essay just on Theodore Roethke's "Dolor" but after I got about half a page down I just blanked on what to say. I basically spun it out for the rest of the page and hoped it was at least semi-decent. I had a flashback to high school today, I was reading the paper and there was this article about a teacher whom the ACLU was accusing of 'misleading and confusing' students between evolution and intelligent design. He came to the courtroom wearing a mouse-trap clipped to his tie--an allusion to 'Darwin's Black Box' the book Mr. D had us read for our A.P. Bio final. He'd be pleased to know that I kept up with science news and remembered the mouse-trap.
I also set up a facebook account and sent out things to add what few friends I have here at Ship and everybody I was friends or friendly with at CCS. It seems like kind of a cool thing, a little cheesy, but cool. And besides, it may help me keep in touch with people I thought I'd never see again, which I guess is a good thing.
On a slightly odder note I called Lia today and she tld me that she's pretty certain she's pregnant again and is trying to get $300 together to have an abortion. I don't necessarily like the health risks it poses, but I understand. She's got enough trouble with Adrian running around (he'll be two in Feb.) and she doesn't have the income to handle another child. Plus, her latest boy toy is turning into a git. He's getting drunk and wasting money, and Lia's a bit brassed off. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Lia, she's one of my best friends, but she has absolutely *atrocious* taste in men.
I ate dinner with Laina and Bumblebee, which was a lot of fun. Then we split up and Laina and I went to see the Rev. Dr. Peter Gomes at Memorial Auditorioum for extra credit for Advanced College Writing. I thought it would be boring, but it was actually pretty funny and thought-provoking. He talked about how the present is the best period in hisory, and yet, quoting Dickens 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' He answered questions after his presentation, and then Laina and I wen to a discussion group afterwards.
So, that was my day, such as it was.

Well, on the Wildwood front things are as crazy as ever. Apparently Aunt H-- came back today and talked to Granny and Buzz and gave Granny a letter of 'her' feelings for Granny to give to me. A letter that Chadwick conveniently typed out for her. She said Granny could read it and Granny did, and told me bits and pieces, but as I have yet to read it I shall not make any judgements on what lies within, because to do so based on what Granny said, no matter how a reliable witness she is, is hearsay. Boy, Uncle Petyr would be proud of my correct use of legal jargon. However, I will comment on one thing that Granny tld me as it had nothing to do with the letter. Aunt H-- told her that if Granny cut ties, something she's thinking very seriously about, she would be actinbg 'juvenille.' That's a laugh.

I have my 1st therapy appointment on-campus tomorrow--can you feel my joy? I know I need to go, I know it's the smart thing to do, and I know I will go, but that doesn't necessarily mean I *want* to go. As unlike me as this is going to sound of me, I'm going to do what's riht as opposed to what's easiest. *Watches as people fall down in shock* Yeah, that's the reaction I was expecting.

I'm going to see 'Bewitched' in the CUB tonight at 9:30. It was my favorite TV show when I was a kid--well, right next to 'The Adaams Family' and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?'I know, I know, that's probably not a surprise to anyone. I mean I *do* have a glow-in-the-dark plastic skeleton named Earl hanging in my room. (He's the only guy allowed alone in the all-girl's dorm!)Anyway, the movie is a remake about a movie remake of the show. Sound confusing? It is, but hey it has magic, comedy, and Nicole Kidman on a broomstick! What's not to love?
Classes went well today and I have another paper for Advanced College Writing, this one on Huck Finn. I'm not sure what topic I'll do yet, but the rough isn't due for a few weeks. I'm not worried, but I refuse to let myself write more than 1 paper. Yes, I do realize I'lll most likely break that statement, but at least I'm trying to set non-perfectionistic, hopefully realistic goals, right?

Yeah, I know, bad Calypso. I haven't updated this in far too long. I hadn't even graduated at my last entry and now I'm in college. College is not easy. I've got a cool roommate, but that's it. I have practically no friends and it's really starting to get to me. It seems like everyone has *someone* and I have no one. Well, at school anyway. It doesn't help that I'm in the all-girl dorm. That was a big mistake on my part. I know most of my friends are guys and I made the transition into an all-girl dorm where people are vicious, catty, and vindictive.
Whoa--I really *must* be feeling worse than I thought because I decried viciousness, cattiness, and vindictiveness in one sentence. I just scared myself. What am I becoming? I feel as if I'm losing my identity in this. I actually cried today, about nothing in particular. I feel like the heroine in one of those old Victorian romance novels, swooning and pining fashionably for something she doesn't know or understand. I also ended up binging like a complete pig and contemplated just calling Da and asking him to bring me home for the weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Grr...Medea help me I should just go out and start hexing random people. I won't, but it would probably make me feel better.
Classes are okay, I'm doing fine academically and it's one of the few times I actually enjoy myself on campus. I am so tired of hanging in my room playing solitaire and watching cheesy television. It's so unlike my hometown and like it at the same time. There are a bunch of people I don't know and things I don't want to do, but I never got this way at home unless something triggered me or I was on such an adrenaline high for a long time that when you crash you crash hard. I'm actually voluntarily going back to therapy on-campus mainly because the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. Once again I implore the universe to answer the question of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm used to being alone, I'm used to having no friends, so why is this *sodding* situation effecting me like this? I'm tempted to go to Aunt M--'s but I can't go there like this, if I have to break down I'll break down privately thank you. If my moods were unpredictable at home their verging on insanely random here. One minute I'm so high you'd swear I just took Accela or ecstasy and the next I'm bawling in my room like my heart just got broken. If people didn't know me well and saw this they would think I was drugged up. Obviously, as I've been extremely screwed up thanks to drugs I would never ever do them, but no one knows that here. The dorm is practically empty, even my RA is gone and when you think that would make me feel better I just feel worse. Damn I hate these emotions, and I wish I could just turn them off again. I'm so bloody emotional that the cards can't (or won't) show me anything but my own shite. As if I didn't know how miserable I feel.
And rather than logically dissecting everything like I was planning on doing I ended up ranting and rambling like a strumpet in a tantrum. I implore your forgiveness readers, and as always, feel free to comment.