My Little Nest

As promised, an actual update. Well, I really haven't been doing all that much--lugging shite back from college, catching up on sleep, watching DVDs amd trying to figure out what the bloody hell I'm going do with myself for a year.

Jobs are few and far between in ickle amish country town and ones I can walk too even less so. I'm trying to see what I need to do to legally be able to ride Buzz's moped around, because everyone I know realises I can't drive, but I love motorcycles. *goes off in a daydream for a moment* Yeah, anyway, that might help me with the getting places, but I do and don't want to be here all year.

I mean...I love my family, and I love being home...but d'you ever feel like your going stagnant? I don't know, maybe my mind's running away w/ possibilities. I swear I'm going through UK withdrawl...if I'm not a puddle of goo by the time Sept. rolls around I'll be shocked. There's nothing to do here. No Hoxton, No SoHo, no Chelsea. I dreamed I was at the Manor in N. Berwick the other night...*le sigh*

Finals were horrid. I don't know why everything had to crash around my ears this year. Any other year I could've had at least a 3.0, but no... the Norns have to screw with me this year. iF it wasn't people dying, it was my health going down the tubes.

Oh, and you want to hear something funny? My grandmother has decided I weigh too much, and I haven't been eating properly. Eight years of compulsive overeating and two of ED-NOS and now she takes it upon herself to notice my weight? She's been pestering me about it for three days and I'm close to losing my temper and blowing up. Not a comment when I was close to 20 stone and I started getting stretch marks. No...now when I'm going through the rest of the shite life has handed me on a silver charger right now.
And you can't point this out to her because she'll just deny that I was ever that heavy.

Ah, yes, yes I was. Trust the chick who weighed herself on average three times a day for the past twelve years. I may have had a bit of relapse during stress but it had been a lot worse. And i swear if she tells me all I have to do is eat normally one more time I'm going to scream. I can't eat normally. I've always been weird about food and she knows it.

Of course, I cannot scream at her because I'm me and I was raised to understand the lines of power in hereditary families, I was taught to recognise and honour those over me and be constantly respectful of the matriarch. I know my place. *le sigh.* This is why I'm such a bitch to other people and fight against stereotypes and roles--because I must obey them in my family and it gets absobloodylutely annoying.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm not good enough at anything save my workings. I'm on academic probation and I can't afford to fail out, but I feel as if I am. If I fail out what can I do? I can't work a blue-collar job and I couldn't survive in a corporate desk job. Even if I manage to graduate, what does one do with a B.A. in English? I couldn't teach and any other majpr I find even slightly interesting poses the same problems.

The only thing I am ever extraordinary at is my workings and as a full-time job, well the pay is horrid, unless you indulge in some illegalities. What am I doing here? What good will college do me? It's like high school all over again--not at all like I pictured it. I pictured intelligent debate over important issues, not the Gideons handing out pocket testaments and people being closeminded gits. I know not ev eryone is, but still.

I've been trying to be the good student, the good girl, the careful, thoughtful one and that could just go to smash right now, because I'm sick of it. I've been passive thus far because this is new territory, even in 2nd semestre college is still new. I wasn't sure if I was still la ophidia regina, and sure enough, some things haven't changed. I can still get around wards and break with the best (or worst) of my clanmates. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying my best and being mediocre at everything I do, save that. I knew that before coming here, and it's not helping me here.

Do I even belong oin college? Where can I go after this? My mind is racing and it won't shut up. If I flunk out I have no future--you need a college degree to be mobile nowadays--unless I move to a big city like London with a small nest egg and live he starving artist life--trying to sell writings to anyone and living hand to mouth. While there is an appeal to that, I'll admit, I'm not well-suited for that life. I like pretty things far too much.

I made an appointment at the counseling centre--and I thoroughly despise those questionaires. What do you mean do I have the urge to hurt myself? What do you mean do I have trouble concentrating? Like right now? Ever? Like in the past? Like when I feel like I'm breaking? So I just checked 'Unsure' for half of their questions. Do I have body issues? Stupid question. I know that. I think those questionnaires are made to make you look like you're completely, undeniably mental. I swear, if someone asks me what my goals are I'll scream.

Goals? How about not feeling like a total mental case, how about not looking in a mirror and seeing myself as taking up too much damn space. How about not feeling like I'm almost totally worthless; that I have to live up to that ideal of me in my head?
All right, enough ranting; I have class.

I intensely dislike my situation right now. I have 3 papers, not all of which I'll be able to finish, finals I'm bloody positive I'm going to flunk, and happen to be in a constant low right now. I did get some sleep yesterday night, which makes my total for this week 9 hours since Sun. These sodding papers have me going completely spare. It feels like banging my head up against a concrete wall would be more productive. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. I've skipped class for the past two days to work on the sodding things because they are such a gigantic deal. One is a 25% of my grade for that class.

For all of you who knew or have heard me talk about Koda and Dakota, they've both died and I have absolutely no time to mourn, because if I do I'm just going to trap myself deeper. Koda went and got herself shot (though I rather think it was her dimwitted, imbecilic brother's fault) and Dakota died from her 3rd heart attack at the age of 22. I haven't seen them in years, not since I first joined Council, but I did keep track of them. And to the rest of my old friends who had turned they're backs on me after I joined up with Council, because I know you still read this even though you never comment, I keep up with you as well. I know I'm not someone you feel you can associate w/ anymore, after all, I was pretty vehement about Council in my day, but ask Sorcha or Lamaia, I've never betrayed you.

The drag show is on the 8th, and I'm happy about that, I'm excited about the show, really I am, and it's bloody hilarious that it falls on Mum's birthday, but at the same time, that fact is not helping my mindset. It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since she died, because sometimes it feels like just days, or even hours. It feels like someone's stabbed me when I think about it (And I know how that feels)and I wish I could just feel numb, nonexistant. Like I could just go to sleep w/ no dreams and never wake up. That said, of course I'll never let anyone see that much of it, after all I have an image to keep up, and most people who read this know how important that is. Showing emotions like those are weakness, a weakness is something you exploit and use. Therefore, pretty masks and doll parts, after all, the show of your life must go on!