My Little Nest

I intensely dislike my situation right now. I have 3 papers, not all of which I'll be able to finish, finals I'm bloody positive I'm going to flunk, and happen to be in a constant low right now. I did get some sleep yesterday night, which makes my total for this week 9 hours since Sun. These sodding papers have me going completely spare. It feels like banging my head up against a concrete wall would be more productive. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. I've skipped class for the past two days to work on the sodding things because they are such a gigantic deal. One is a 25% of my grade for that class.

For all of you who knew or have heard me talk about Koda and Dakota, they've both died and I have absolutely no time to mourn, because if I do I'm just going to trap myself deeper. Koda went and got herself shot (though I rather think it was her dimwitted, imbecilic brother's fault) and Dakota died from her 3rd heart attack at the age of 22. I haven't seen them in years, not since I first joined Council, but I did keep track of them. And to the rest of my old friends who had turned they're backs on me after I joined up with Council, because I know you still read this even though you never comment, I keep up with you as well. I know I'm not someone you feel you can associate w/ anymore, after all, I was pretty vehement about Council in my day, but ask Sorcha or Lamaia, I've never betrayed you.

The drag show is on the 8th, and I'm happy about that, I'm excited about the show, really I am, and it's bloody hilarious that it falls on Mum's birthday, but at the same time, that fact is not helping my mindset. It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since she died, because sometimes it feels like just days, or even hours. It feels like someone's stabbed me when I think about it (And I know how that feels)and I wish I could just feel numb, nonexistant. Like I could just go to sleep w/ no dreams and never wake up. That said, of course I'll never let anyone see that much of it, after all I have an image to keep up, and most people who read this know how important that is. Showing emotions like those are weakness, a weakness is something you exploit and use. Therefore, pretty masks and doll parts, after all, the show of your life must go on!

This has been an odd week, one that's been up & down & all around like crazy, & not just because I'm mental. One of the little annoyances is a pet peeve of mine--fonts to small to read properly. My computer has decided to wage war against me & change the font on all the web pages to barely visible gray squiggles. I do not know how to fix this and if I wasn't so reliant on my 2K laptop I'd be severely tempted to defenstrate the sodding thing.
On a good note I have gotten an absolutely *brill* pinstripe suit and dyed my hair a pretty auburn colour. I'm now practically a redhead. Yay! It has been extremely difficult for me to not wear the suit as soon as I got back to campus, since I am one of those people who if they get something new absobloodylutely *must* wear it within the next day or so. It has been more than that and my fingers have been itching, but I'm remaining strong. Only a few more hours and I'll wear the thing all day, w/ my wicked pinstripe fedora. In order to compensate for the travesty of having to wait I have downloaded a few old songs off of LimeWire. A few? Okay, actually ten and a few (3) are still downloading, but I can't help it if I'm feeling old-fashioned! People are always telling me I was born in the wrong time period. In the same vein, I'm thinking about taking swing-dancing lessons. The only thing that's stopping me is my weight, currently better but still *way* too high. Why, oh why can't I look like Aunt Stella? I want to be in a double 0! Bloody hell, I'd be happy if I could get out of the double diget sizes, not thrilled, but pleased, at the v. least.
On a worse note I have three papers due this week & my oh-so-brill printer decided to pick *now* to throw a fit & not print for me. I'm not even contemplating what could happen if the thing won't work. Thank Goddess for the 24hr computer labs, that's all I have to say. Plus I've been swinging between really high and low lately, with nothing in between. I haven't had any middle ground in two wks and have gotten only bits and pieces of sleep, though I lay in bed quite a bit in my free time. Finals are approaching & I, for one, am dreading them. I'm studying, but I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to flunk CNR. CNR is less the bane of my existance with the arrival of the nice teacher, but it doesn't help that I'm learning to say that exactly the opposite of what I've learned in the past six years, is true.
I don't know how I can possibly handle it if I flunk any classes, or even if I get a bad grade on any of my finals. The perfectionist in me is rearing her newly dyed redhead wih a vengeance & has me skittering for solace. Of course, I can never tell anyone this, so if anyone wants to know how I'm holding up the answers are: very well, just barely, & trying hard not to fall into the old vices of not turning things in. Of course, no one here realises this and thinks I'm coping v. well. Yeah, & George W. Bush is going to be the next Miss America.
Slightly better note; the drag show is coming up on Dec. 8th, ironically enough, Mum's birthday. I am immensely excited, but the actress in me is panicking because we haven't had a *single sodding rehearsal.* Luckily enough, I'm not the only one panicking, I think Mr. President is as well. I've been assured that this has happened every year and that it always goes off without any problems, but It's not comforting.
I had fun today I took my bottle of *pink ink* and my quill pen to history class and took notes with it. That was ever so much fun, and I had people pleading with me to do some fancy cursive with it. I attempted, but my calligraphy is far from the best. I do think it amused my history teacher though. This weekend is going to be a blast, though. Saturday Missa, June, and I are going to see Aeon Flux, partially because it looks bloody wicked, partially because Charlize Theron looks absobloodylutely gorgeous. On Sunday I'm going w/ S.A.L.E to see Rent, which although I used to be able to play "Seasons of Love" on the piano I've never seen. Missa assures me she'll drag me to see it in NY someday. I hope so--it's like Phantom of the Opera, good movie, assuredly better on Broadway, though the movie's supposed to be a fairly faithful adaption.
Another good thing came in the mail for me while I was at home, in a sticker-bedecked envelope. Mrs. Greenman sent me pictures from my last day last school term with the 3rd graders. They're cheering me up greatly. I miss the little blighters, and I'm sure many are now gawking at what Siobhan deemed my 'maternal instincts.' So, when I get hoime for winter break I am going to get good ole Elmer to take me to school and I'll spend the day visiting my old teachers and hanging out with the now 4th graders and helping Mrs. Redmond with the current 3rd graders. Yay! Can it be winter break *now?* Well, not now, but right after the drag show? Please? Guess not. Well, 'tis all for now. I'm going to go get a shower and try to blag some sleep. Ta.