My Little Nest

I swear, one drama ends and another begins. I'm home and my meds are tapering off, which is great, but now another drama's begun. And roomie? I'm sorry I landed in the hospital before I could grammar nazi your paper.

So, new drama. Apparently the doppelganger tried (again) to commit suicide. Apparently her heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital and no one bu her dad knows where she is. Rose (her mum) is leaving Ben (her da) and she freaked, locked herself in her room and took half a bag of muscle relaxers.

I really don't know how to feel about this. We don't get along, she's told me she hates me, and the feelings usually mutual. My first fear was 'what's going to happen to me' as unfortunately, usually when one of us is majorly hurt (broken arm) the other one is affected (limping for no reason. I'm sort of scared of what might happen to me.

And if she does die, I don't know if I want to go to the funeral, because how creepy would that be, especially if it's open casket? And also, her family has the tendency to hang on me like a lost lamb, and if they were to lose her?

I don't know how to feel. Really, I just feel numb and a little oddly lonely.

Okay, so el_em_en_oh_pee nudged me, because apparently I'm not updating this enough. Who knew? Not much going on here, more of the same old, same old.

Samson et Dalila starts next weekend, so this week is going to be busy as all get out with rehearsals and final fittings, and NO TALKING for twenty-four hours before dress rehearsal. (In other words, there will be much texting and IMing) I'm actually kinda sorta terrified for some reason, that I can't understand and it's driving me outsane. (Moreso.) I'm never this nervous until I get onstage. What. The. Fuck.

My friend Jackie wants me to try out for Henry VIII because apparently, she didn't know I knew all of Katherine's monster courtroom speech by heart until I did it in the green room. I'm considering it, along with trying out for Eponine in Les Miserables. Someone tell me not to.

Saturday was spent with the Doppelganger for the second time in as many weeks--ugh. I shopped. Yay retail therapy. Current swag? Romeo + Juliet & Shaun of the Dead on DVD. La Boheme on CD, a Flogging Molly T-shirt, and a pair of heart-shapped handcuff earrings. Eclectic, I know.

Got new blood today, and got very bored. So, what happened? I decided to conquer my photo-manipulation program. What did I decide to do, since I had iconed all the picturs I could? Make wallpapers. Well, one took me ages, and I did that in recovery.

Fandom warning: (But please look if you can tolerate RPG-ish het pairing graphics, because I need opinions--I think they suck)

Blood/Fire Wallpaper #1--Crush, with Alicia Witt as Morag and Tom Felton as Draco since I only had one Alex Band picture on the laptop:

Crush

No, Morag is not a stalker, she's just smitten.

Secondly, I decided to make an actual Blood/Fire wallpaper, with lyrics from Sarah McLachlan's 'Possession'. This features Alicia Witt as Morag (again, but I love her as a PB for Morag) and Alex Band as Draco (Which I blame on sappholococcus for forever linking them in my head) Wallpaper 2--Red-tinted shades of grey:

Red-tinted shades of grey.

Thing The First: Yvonne DeCarlo passed away. This makes me sad. No more Lily Munster in the world. *cries*

Thing The Second: I got sick in the tail end of Carmen's run! Luckily, I got better in time for closing night, which went well.

Thing The Third: Ah, writing. I've got a non-fandom piece boiling in my head as well as two fics for my Buffy/Faith 50_darkfics claim. Now to actually write them.

Thing The Fourth: Joe King I am mad at you! You missed the whole run and it's your fault I even auditioned. :p

Thing The Fifth: Sorcha, kindly get your coz to stop proposing k? plzthx.

Thing The Sixth: My doppelganger has officially broken my brain. Not only has she gotten a myspace, but she has put her orientation down as 'lesbian' and described herself as a 'crazy-ass lesbian.' Okay...WTF? Just...broken...

Thing The Seventh: I love and miss al my internet buds! Especailly hippo and evil twin!

So, today was the annual spend time with the sister bit. Her parents gave me this really nice jewellery and I don't know what I want to do with it. Anyone who has listen to me talk about jewellery knows that I have bitched about being unable to ind rubies (or at least ruby-like stones) set in silver. Well, they gave me a necklace an earring set, silver, with blood red stones. The problem is I hate them, and I don't want to acknowledge them and their gist at all.

But it's so shiny! I'm just...confused.

So, we did the usual shopping trip, and I indulged in retail therapy to make me feel better. It didn't really work.

I got:

Revolutionary GIrl Utena: The Rose Collection Box Set
Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans
Lolita
Waiting For Godot
The Compete Works of Flannery O'Conner
ROD: vol 2
Crime and Punishment
A bottle of dark purple nail polish
A thin leather collar with spikes and rhinestones
A cable hook for my knitting
A Max Factor lip gloss thing. (Shock, I know, it isn't my usual Rimmel standby.)


So, after going shopping and eating at Arby's sister, Da and went to see a movie. Black Christmas. It was good, but who in the bloody hell keeps paint thinner in their laundry room? I mean really!

Also, am thinking on dying my hair purple...anyone who knows good brands or shades should let me know.

On another topic, thre have been quite a few of the old order-Girls trying to get me too come to the usual Order New Years soiree. I kind of want to go, and I almost said yes--I actually aked Da when Jessie offered to take me down and bring me back on he motorcycle, but Da thought there might be drinking and didn't realise that Jessie refuses to drik since her baby brother was klled by a drunk driver.

i told him this, and now he's okay with the idea, but I think the girls have given up. maybe it's for the best.

So, I was actually going to go to church today, being that it was going to be outside and I thought it would be bloody hilarious to hear everyone try to sing a capella, but I felt like shite when I woke up this morning, so I skived off.

Good news? it got cancelled due to weather anyway, so I didn't miss a prime mocking oppurtunity after all.

Also good news: I've learned/gotten a program to make icons! Yayness.

News I'm not sure how to feel about: My half-sister Chrissy called me today and told me that she had her baby last Sunday....six months early.

My first thought was oh shite, that baby died, it's impossible for it to have lived, it's heart wouldn't be able to sustain it and the lungs would be unable to take in the oxygen needed. Second thought: I probably should feel bad for her. Third thought: But the kid's better off, especially with her smoking (and I'm fairly certain) toking up.

Me: "Uh...I don't know what to say. *half-hearted chuckle*
Chrissy: Oh my god! You sounded just like Becky right there!
Me: *death glare at phone* Really?
Chrissy: That's exactly what she said, with the same laugh and everything.
Me: (Thinking: don't snap, don't snap, don't snap) Well, what can one say.
Chrissy: Yeah, but sometimes you two are such twins.
Me: *death glare intensifies* Ah.
Chrissy: When are you coming to see me again?
Me: Um...I don't know...
Chrissy: Oh, okay, well call me when you can! *click*

She really didn'tsound all that broken up for someone that had their 2nd (maybe 3rd) miscarriage/stillborn. Or maybe I'm just used to dealing with people like Petra and Trinity who are despondant when that happens. Maybe it's just further proof that I'm a bad person that I couldn't feel bad for her.

However, Da agreed with me and said that until she gets herself together and fixes her life she should keep losing them. Needless to say I was shocked at his, but I guess he's had to deal with so much me being born on drugs and alcohol that he abhors anyone else going through that. Plus, I really don't think Chrissy would make a good mum. She needs to grow up a bit more. But I shall bite my tongue and not tell her these things.

So, unsurprisingly, my doppelganger has been wanting to spend 'quality twin time' with me because of it being our birthday.

(Read: She'll leave us alone for another six months after this)

So, after having a brilliant day at the company picnic, including winning a telly and cursing at bingo, we head into Reading to see the sister. Can you tell how thrilled I was?

While we stopped at Wal-Mart and got a card I plucked up some courage (from Circe knows where) and asked Da if he was giving her the same amount of money he spends on me for my birthday, and I told him why I felt it was unfair. Apparently, he realises this, but has always given her the same and doesn't want her family to think he's slighting her.

Oh. Now I feel stupid. Of course it has something to do with how we're viewed and people's standards of us, even if the people in question are regurgitated pond scum--and that's being charitable.

When we got to the party everyone insisted on hugging me, while I tried valiantly to look pleasant and not vomit on them. Even Becky's mum hugged me and kissed my cheek, the bitch, even though she's been avoiding me since the email incident a few years ago.

After socialising a bit, Becky decided to pull me away for a walk and a smoke. Honestly, I wonder how we could be more different sometimes. She doesn't like noise and quiet is a deadly weapon to me.

So during this walk she gabbed on about how she couldn't ever believe her parents would ever give up one of their kids for adoption.

Right. And any logical person is supposed to believe the Lifetime Movie of the Week story they fed us? Stolen from a hospital my arse.

After suffering through another hour of party crap, we left, but Becky made sure to monopolise some time the next day. Great, just what i wanted...more time with my beloved twin sister.

Sunday was up and down. After church Granny and I tried to use the Manic Panic Virgin Snow on my bleached hair and it didn't work, so quite sadly, I'm still blond.

After that we met up with the doppelganger again and went to the mall. Again with the major differences: she can't stand chocolate or coffee. Now I know I'm insane, but they need to look this chick up in the funny farm.

I spent a few more hours with Becky and da and then, thankfully, went home to the Covenstead, quite sad that I had missed most of Breakfast at Tiffany's after watching the beginning after church.

Good news about the mall trip? I got a new collar! ^.^ It had a stupid cherry charm on it, but I took that off quite quickly. This one is black velvet, like my pyramid-studded ones, but has a little silver triangle bracket which holds a ring that drops onto my throat. It's pretty, and comfy too, which is good, considering I always sleep with a collar on, it gives me more ooptions for night-time.

Oh and my sister can't stand jewellery that isn't bracelets. Hmmm...barmy bint.

I'm heading for one of those spectacular burnouts I have about every 3 yrs or so. All the signs are creeping up on me and I'm dreading it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain it. A burnout is a complete loss of motivation, energy, and (horror of horrors) ambition. It's like becoming dead in the water. Usually burnouts help me in the long run, they help me restore some energy and refocus myself, but I still hate how they feel.
Major signs of a burnout include:
*Loss of apetitte (Not a bad thing)
*Loss of focus and ambition (V. v. bad thing)
*Loss of energy (V. bad thing)
*Health sinks lower (V. v. bad thing)
*Huge amounts of sleep
*Loss of patience (Like I had any to begin with?)
*Withdrawl of friends due to moodiness (Which really doesn't help moodiness)
*Dependence on self-destructive behaviours
*Buzzing thoughts, which lead to
*Using louder music than usual to drown out buzzing thoughts
*Feeling lethargic and/or numb
*Loss of emotion or conscience (What conscience? I don't think I have one of those. If I did it died a long time ago.)
*Lack of creativity (yet another v. bad thing)

And of course, this is when Da decides, yet again, that Calypso must learn to drive! I swear, I get my bad timing from my father.

Oh, and my delightful (read: psychotic bitch) sister has decided that I have to come to her birthday party. Not ours, oh no, the fact that we're twins doesn't enter here at all, (That would involve common sense on her part.) I really don't want to go, at all. AT ALL. The only reason she wants me to come is because she knows my father will give her money. WTF? Step off, psycho, doppleganger, BITCH. He's my father You have your beloved pot smoking, coke snorting, crack-whore parents. Get shite from them. (But, of course, they don't have anything to give you for your birthday, d'they?) </rant>
Growl, okay, I'm done.