My Little Nest

It's been ages since I updated, I know. It's been all over. hecticity came to visit, and I'm getting ready to be in a friend's wedding, which I don't think will make it that far, but...

I'm going to be going to a poetry slam next week and reading, and April 19-26th I'll be going to see Adam Pascal in concert. Sounds like everything's been fantastic, right?

Yeah, i wish. Nothing's been wrong per se, I just had a major crash, so I'm probably seeing this as far more dark than I should, but a lot of stuff just seems to be going to smash. Granny's becoming neurotic about my weight and pressuring me to get this for the wedding so all of my "lumps and rolls" don't show.

And of course, mid-crash I binged today...and now I really want to relapse. My stupid logic definitely is not helping, since you need to be under a certain BMI to be considered anorectic, and most of the physical symptoms I don't have. (The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles, body weight below 85% of what is expected.) and otherwise, according to most doctors (at least around here) it's a phase. And St. Catherine of Siena was sainted because she refused to eat, it was taken to be religious at the time.

Bad idea, really bad idea, but really incredibly tempting. I am also stressing over the fact that I can't find my Neon Ballroom CD, because one can only listen to 4st. 7lb. so many times on repeat (thank Circe for Youtube). I know, bad bad bad.... Wasted is sitting on my dresser. I haven't touched it yet, but I really haven't stopped thinking about reading it again. Even a really long nap didn't help.

I so suck.

Being ED-NOS sucks. MAkign people worry about you sucks, because then you feel all guilty. Not having insurance that will cover therapy, and too scared too suggest it otherwise? REALLY REALLY sucks. Stupid major medical.

Okay, shutting up now.

Yay! I found the Youtube vid! *shares*

Aren't I the handy little dyke. Drea has been looking for shoujo ai/yuri manga for a school project (damn I want this project so, I'm linking stuff for her.

The manga list from the http://www.shoujoai.com forum
http://shoujoai.wingdreams.net/forum/topic_show.pl?tid=31746

The lilicious site, which I love for ever and ever and ever:

http://www.lililicious.net/

and their project guide:

http://www.lililicious.net/allprojects.php

List of the "Strawberry" (shoujo-ai) manga line that Seven Seas is publishing:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Seas_Entertainment#.22Strawberry.22_.28yuri_manga.29_line

Hopefully this helps, doll!

*goes to reread Sailor Moon and R.O.D.*

Okay, so I went up to Ship last weekend, which was brilliant even if it wasn't quite long enough of a stay. Vagina Monologues went well, except for the one night when I actually smoked a fag because I was in so much pain and April actually let me. But, anyway, I got to spend some much needed time with Roomie and everyone.

I bought fuzzy handcuffs ^.^

New desktop computer also, so yay.

Today Da and I met with the bloke from OVR about funding driving lessons and/our job and/or placement. I got to admit all my weaknesses to a complete stranger. You can tell how thrilled I was about that. >.<

Umm...writing and RP-ing is taking over my otherwise boring life, and ficathon is seriously trying to kill me or something. Want to know why? One of the prompts this week? Bloodletting. *headdesk*

Makes me wish hecticity was around, if for nothing but laughing over the irony of it.

irishbabe3110 Is trying to drag me back into the circuit more often...and I'm actually considering it. Someone slap me?

So anyway, the weekend was great. Sat. we went to both the Fall Festival at the church and Uncle Scott's Harvest Moon Party.

I went as a witch in this pretty crushed velvet dress. I wanted to go as a kitty but I wasn't allowed too. So, yes, I went as a witch. (And this is different from the other 364 days how?)

Sun. We went up to Shippensburg to see Aunt M. I hadn't called ahead because last week when I did that I didn't get to go and all my excitement was for naught.

So at 9:30 I walk up to Harley only to get there and find out that it was Fall Break. Translation: No one there.

Bah humbug.

Habanera will be the death of me. I have Once Upon A Dream stuck in my head. That is all.

I hate this. princessstarr, sailormewmew, velvetbonsai, dreamgirl18, April, and everyone else from there are back at Ship and I am stuck here.

This royally blows. *sulks* I need some Busted to make me feel better. *prances off to YouTube* Helps, but this still sucks.

Why does my health have to suck so much? Everyone else is at college, being healthy, and I'm here. stuck somewhere between healthy and sick as hell.

Oh, and want to know what my new assignment is? Taking my groupie on and off the bus some days. Wow. Thrilling. I can hardly contain myself.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm done wishing. Order-girls, who has the sodding calendar for the circuit? I'm done sitting at home and sulking. I'm restless, and if I can't be with my friends at college then I'm going to party my sodding brains out here.

Where's my Rob Zombie? *prances off again* Better.

Sorcha, give me my earrings back! Micheal, get me on the calendar, Natalya, give me back my bloody Rammstein album.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm not good enough at anything save my workings. I'm on academic probation and I can't afford to fail out, but I feel as if I am. If I fail out what can I do? I can't work a blue-collar job and I couldn't survive in a corporate desk job. Even if I manage to graduate, what does one do with a B.A. in English? I couldn't teach and any other majpr I find even slightly interesting poses the same problems.

The only thing I am ever extraordinary at is my workings and as a full-time job, well the pay is horrid, unless you indulge in some illegalities. What am I doing here? What good will college do me? It's like high school all over again--not at all like I pictured it. I pictured intelligent debate over important issues, not the Gideons handing out pocket testaments and people being closeminded gits. I know not ev eryone is, but still.

I've been trying to be the good student, the good girl, the careful, thoughtful one and that could just go to smash right now, because I'm sick of it. I've been passive thus far because this is new territory, even in 2nd semestre college is still new. I wasn't sure if I was still la ophidia regina, and sure enough, some things haven't changed. I can still get around wards and break with the best (or worst) of my clanmates. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying my best and being mediocre at everything I do, save that. I knew that before coming here, and it's not helping me here.

Do I even belong oin college? Where can I go after this? My mind is racing and it won't shut up. If I flunk out I have no future--you need a college degree to be mobile nowadays--unless I move to a big city like London with a small nest egg and live he starving artist life--trying to sell writings to anyone and living hand to mouth. While there is an appeal to that, I'll admit, I'm not well-suited for that life. I like pretty things far too much.

I made an appointment at the counseling centre--and I thoroughly despise those questionaires. What do you mean do I have the urge to hurt myself? What do you mean do I have trouble concentrating? Like right now? Ever? Like in the past? Like when I feel like I'm breaking? So I just checked 'Unsure' for half of their questions. Do I have body issues? Stupid question. I know that. I think those questionnaires are made to make you look like you're completely, undeniably mental. I swear, if someone asks me what my goals are I'll scream.

Goals? How about not feeling like a total mental case, how about not looking in a mirror and seeing myself as taking up too much damn space. How about not feeling like I'm almost totally worthless; that I have to live up to that ideal of me in my head?
All right, enough ranting; I have class.

I intensely dislike my situation right now. I have 3 papers, not all of which I'll be able to finish, finals I'm bloody positive I'm going to flunk, and happen to be in a constant low right now. I did get some sleep yesterday night, which makes my total for this week 9 hours since Sun. These sodding papers have me going completely spare. It feels like banging my head up against a concrete wall would be more productive. I feel as if my brain is going to explode. I've skipped class for the past two days to work on the sodding things because they are such a gigantic deal. One is a 25% of my grade for that class.

For all of you who knew or have heard me talk about Koda and Dakota, they've both died and I have absolutely no time to mourn, because if I do I'm just going to trap myself deeper. Koda went and got herself shot (though I rather think it was her dimwitted, imbecilic brother's fault) and Dakota died from her 3rd heart attack at the age of 22. I haven't seen them in years, not since I first joined Council, but I did keep track of them. And to the rest of my old friends who had turned they're backs on me after I joined up with Council, because I know you still read this even though you never comment, I keep up with you as well. I know I'm not someone you feel you can associate w/ anymore, after all, I was pretty vehement about Council in my day, but ask Sorcha or Lamaia, I've never betrayed you.

The drag show is on the 8th, and I'm happy about that, I'm excited about the show, really I am, and it's bloody hilarious that it falls on Mum's birthday, but at the same time, that fact is not helping my mindset. It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since she died, because sometimes it feels like just days, or even hours. It feels like someone's stabbed me when I think about it (And I know how that feels)and I wish I could just feel numb, nonexistant. Like I could just go to sleep w/ no dreams and never wake up. That said, of course I'll never let anyone see that much of it, after all I have an image to keep up, and most people who read this know how important that is. Showing emotions like those are weakness, a weakness is something you exploit and use. Therefore, pretty masks and doll parts, after all, the show of your life must go on!

I am happy. Now, please don't look to shocked. I came to a realisation today and that is the fact that I actually have friends.

Yes, that's right, friends.

Not close cousins or aquantinces who don't want to get on my bad side, or even people who are nice to me just because they want to be close to the heiress of the Russell line, actual friends. This is an odd situation and I don't know quite how to handle it. I don't think I've ever really had friends, or at least not my own age. People twice my age, yes, ickle kids, yes, but not roughly around my age.

Even Ecstasy, whom I considered the closest thing I had to a friend, may she rest in peace, admitted to me after copious amounts of liquor that she was terrified of me. Now, however, I have people who like me (I think) hang out with me, and are just plain nice to me because of my personality, flawed as it is. This is new, slightly frightening and alo wicked.

I've never been able to say tht before. Most of my so-called friends have either stabbed me in the back, left me once I joined Council, or continue to be pleasant while talking shite behind my back. I'm trying to think of exceptions to this rule--Butterfly's my friend, but I know I scare her sometimes, she's told me so. And Giomannach...

Well, I doubt anyone could say Giomannach and I ever really *got along.* We started out hating each other, and that moved on to some semblance of a relationship, but even that started becaudse I chained the prat to a *chair* because he was going to go off and get himself killed. Sure he annoyed me teasingly, and used to deliberately bait me, but he also didn't like ym outlook on things, too dark for him, and I've never been quite sure whether or not he ever really, truly lovd me, but that's quite another tale.

I think it may be because of the different enviroment of college. All the other friends I've *tried* to make have been in either:
A. Christian School
B. Hereditary families
Let's guess at how that worked out, shall we? *crickts*
Yeah...

So, after the S.A.L.E meeting I went out with a bunch of people to B&A, as has become usual after the meetings. Missa, June and I were discussing going to a gay bar in Harrisburg that has an under-21 section. T jumped in and we were trying to work out when we could all go together.I noticed I had my elbows on the table, my napkin still rolled around my unused silver, and I was slouching in my seat. I realised that my behaviour around these people changed completely. Finishing school and propr etiquette go out the window. I was shocked, bloody floored when I found his out. Never, except with my immediate family had I ever been so relaxed, unworried about seeming a little too sarcastic, my sense of humour a little too dark.

I know I'm a bitch, that I have just a bit of the dark sinister to my character, but with the people from S.A.L.E, and June I don't have to put up false fronts. I can't help but wonder why this is so different, why I feel infinitely more free with them than most people. I'm not sure what to do now, but I think it'd be interesting to find out. You know, it used to be that the most important thing to me, after my family, *was* my reputation, was the fact that people were terrified of me, I always found it humourous when people would trip over their words in front of me or refuse to look me in the eyes. It was amusing. I also enjoyed it when people would fall over themselves to impress me or make me happy. It's just what it's always been for me. It was that way for Mum, it's still that way for Da and Granny, and for me as well.

I remember this one time when Jasper was hanging out with me when I was in a particularly bad mood, right after I had failed a test and he took my blood-flavoured lollypop. Let's just say word got around fast after that incident that one did not come between la belle ophidia regina and her blood-flavoured lollypops.

Understand, I'm not going to change, but somehow things like that seem less-important, more trivial than ever before and I'm unsure of how to deal with it. I suppose I just have to take it one day at a time.
After all, as it says on the Russell crest;
Che Sara Sara

Well, I had a day and a half, or so it seems. I had my first headshrinker appointment this morning. It went fairly okay, it was mainly a get-to-know-you session, a goal that is always accomplished by asking awkward questions about my past and how I feel. It was pretty much what I expected. She seemed rather...soft. I'm ging back on 7th Oct at 11:00, which also happens to be the first day of fall break. Now I have to tell Da to pick me up later than nusual, and I want to go home!
Granny and Buzz were getting all packed up to leave Wildwood tonight after Buzz watched N.C.I.S. So, by my estimation they should be over the PA state line by now, or almost. Granny said that they couldn't relax or feel comfortable anymore so that's why they were leaving days early.
On the academic front I got a B on my General Psych exam--*pause*--that's a good score--I guess. I really wished it could have been higher, though. Hey, I may be trying hard to rein it in, but I'm still a perfectionist. I cn't change who I am, after all. I had an essay exam in Intro to Lit today and I do believe I bombed. I thought I could do decent essay just on Theodore Roethke's "Dolor" but after I got about half a page down I just blanked on what to say. I basically spun it out for the rest of the page and hoped it was at least semi-decent. I had a flashback to high school today, I was reading the paper and there was this article about a teacher whom the ACLU was accusing of 'misleading and confusing' students between evolution and intelligent design. He came to the courtroom wearing a mouse-trap clipped to his tie--an allusion to 'Darwin's Black Box' the book Mr. D had us read for our A.P. Bio final. He'd be pleased to know that I kept up with science news and remembered the mouse-trap.
I also set up a facebook account and sent out things to add what few friends I have here at Ship and everybody I was friends or friendly with at CCS. It seems like kind of a cool thing, a little cheesy, but cool. And besides, it may help me keep in touch with people I thought I'd never see again, which I guess is a good thing.
On a slightly odder note I called Lia today and she tld me that she's pretty certain she's pregnant again and is trying to get $300 together to have an abortion. I don't necessarily like the health risks it poses, but I understand. She's got enough trouble with Adrian running around (he'll be two in Feb.) and she doesn't have the income to handle another child. Plus, her latest boy toy is turning into a git. He's getting drunk and wasting money, and Lia's a bit brassed off. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Lia, she's one of my best friends, but she has absolutely *atrocious* taste in men.
I ate dinner with Laina and Bumblebee, which was a lot of fun. Then we split up and Laina and I went to see the Rev. Dr. Peter Gomes at Memorial Auditorioum for extra credit for Advanced College Writing. I thought it would be boring, but it was actually pretty funny and thought-provoking. He talked about how the present is the best period in hisory, and yet, quoting Dickens 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' He answered questions after his presentation, and then Laina and I wen to a discussion group afterwards.
So, that was my day, such as it was.

Well, on the Wildwood front things are as crazy as ever. Apparently Aunt H-- came back today and talked to Granny and Buzz and gave Granny a letter of 'her' feelings for Granny to give to me. A letter that Chadwick conveniently typed out for her. She said Granny could read it and Granny did, and told me bits and pieces, but as I have yet to read it I shall not make any judgements on what lies within, because to do so based on what Granny said, no matter how a reliable witness she is, is hearsay. Boy, Uncle Petyr would be proud of my correct use of legal jargon. However, I will comment on one thing that Granny tld me as it had nothing to do with the letter. Aunt H-- told her that if Granny cut ties, something she's thinking very seriously about, she would be actinbg 'juvenille.' That's a laugh.

I have my 1st therapy appointment on-campus tomorrow--can you feel my joy? I know I need to go, I know it's the smart thing to do, and I know I will go, but that doesn't necessarily mean I *want* to go. As unlike me as this is going to sound of me, I'm going to do what's riht as opposed to what's easiest. *Watches as people fall down in shock* Yeah, that's the reaction I was expecting.

I'm going to see 'Bewitched' in the CUB tonight at 9:30. It was my favorite TV show when I was a kid--well, right next to 'The Adaams Family' and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?'I know, I know, that's probably not a surprise to anyone. I mean I *do* have a glow-in-the-dark plastic skeleton named Earl hanging in my room. (He's the only guy allowed alone in the all-girl's dorm!)Anyway, the movie is a remake about a movie remake of the show. Sound confusing? It is, but hey it has magic, comedy, and Nicole Kidman on a broomstick! What's not to love?
Classes went well today and I have another paper for Advanced College Writing, this one on Huck Finn. I'm not sure what topic I'll do yet, but the rough isn't due for a few weeks. I'm not worried, but I refuse to let myself write more than 1 paper. Yes, I do realize I'lll most likely break that statement, but at least I'm trying to set non-perfectionistic, hopefully realistic goals, right?

Yeah, I know, bad Calypso. I haven't updated this in far too long. I hadn't even graduated at my last entry and now I'm in college. College is not easy. I've got a cool roommate, but that's it. I have practically no friends and it's really starting to get to me. It seems like everyone has *someone* and I have no one. Well, at school anyway. It doesn't help that I'm in the all-girl dorm. That was a big mistake on my part. I know most of my friends are guys and I made the transition into an all-girl dorm where people are vicious, catty, and vindictive.
Whoa--I really *must* be feeling worse than I thought because I decried viciousness, cattiness, and vindictiveness in one sentence. I just scared myself. What am I becoming? I feel as if I'm losing my identity in this. I actually cried today, about nothing in particular. I feel like the heroine in one of those old Victorian romance novels, swooning and pining fashionably for something she doesn't know or understand. I also ended up binging like a complete pig and contemplated just calling Da and asking him to bring me home for the weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Grr...Medea help me I should just go out and start hexing random people. I won't, but it would probably make me feel better.
Classes are okay, I'm doing fine academically and it's one of the few times I actually enjoy myself on campus. I am so tired of hanging in my room playing solitaire and watching cheesy television. It's so unlike my hometown and like it at the same time. There are a bunch of people I don't know and things I don't want to do, but I never got this way at home unless something triggered me or I was on such an adrenaline high for a long time that when you crash you crash hard. I'm actually voluntarily going back to therapy on-campus mainly because the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. Once again I implore the universe to answer the question of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm used to being alone, I'm used to having no friends, so why is this *sodding* situation effecting me like this? I'm tempted to go to Aunt M--'s but I can't go there like this, if I have to break down I'll break down privately thank you. If my moods were unpredictable at home their verging on insanely random here. One minute I'm so high you'd swear I just took Accela or ecstasy and the next I'm bawling in my room like my heart just got broken. If people didn't know me well and saw this they would think I was drugged up. Obviously, as I've been extremely screwed up thanks to drugs I would never ever do them, but no one knows that here. The dorm is practically empty, even my RA is gone and when you think that would make me feel better I just feel worse. Damn I hate these emotions, and I wish I could just turn them off again. I'm so bloody emotional that the cards can't (or won't) show me anything but my own shite. As if I didn't know how miserable I feel.
And rather than logically dissecting everything like I was planning on doing I ended up ranting and rambling like a strumpet in a tantrum. I implore your forgiveness readers, and as always, feel free to comment.