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pretty girl

sandpaper tears corrode the film and I need you now somehow

It's been ages since I updated, I know. It's been all over. willfully came to visit, and I'm getting ready to be in a friend's wedding, which I don't think will make it that far, but...

I'm going to be going to a poetry slam next week and reading, and April 19-26th I'll be going to see Adam Pascal in concert. Sounds like everything's been fantastic, right?

Yeah, i wish. Nothing's been wrong per se, I just had a major crash, so I'm probably seeing this as far more dark than I should, but a lot of stuff just seems to be going to smash. Granny's becoming neurotic about my weight and pressuring me to get this for the wedding so all of my "lumps and rolls" don't show.

And of course, mid-crash I binged today...and now I really want to relapse. My stupid logic definitely is not helping, since you need to be under a certain BMI to be considered anorectic, and most of the physical symptoms I don't have. (The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles, body weight below 85% of what is expected.) and otherwise, according to most doctors (at least around here) it's a phase. And St. Catherine of Siena was sainted because she refused to eat, it was taken to be religious at the time.

Bad idea, really bad idea, but really incredibly tempting. I am also stressing over the fact that I can't find my Neon Ballroom CD, because one can only listen to 4st. 7lb. so many times on repeat (thank Circe for Youtube). I know, bad bad bad.... Wasted is sitting on my dresser. I haven't touched it yet, but I really haven't stopped thinking about reading it again. Even a really long nap didn't help.

I so suck.

Being ED-NOS sucks. MAkign people worry about you sucks, because then you feel all guilty. Not having insurance that will cover therapy, and too scared too suggest it otherwise? REALLY REALLY sucks. Stupid major medical.

Okay, shutting up now.

Yay! I found the Youtube vid! *shares*

Comments

I hateit when grandmas think they are helping.

and i guaratee you weigh less than i do

*hugs*

call me if you need to talk
Me too

And I very sincerely doubt that, from a purely physical--trust the chick who weighs herself 3 times a day sort of way

*snugs*
ok take it this way. if you can weigh yourself on a home scale, you weigh less than me
I'm 210
i' haven't been anywhere near 210 in 10 years. I was in the 350 range last i checked which was a while ago
Ah. *snuggles.* Okay, you're right, but I still feel like shit.
*snuggles back*

its all part of the super fun depression eating disoder cycle. you feel like crap for being fat, you go too far with obsessing and then crash and then feel like crap again.
It's even worse when you throw the uberfun bipolar crash in with the super fun ED-NOS crash. D:
Yeah i just get the panic attack or the severe depression. which i try to medicate with food...
Oh, the panic attacks. Yeah, I get those. I should probably put myself back in therapy, tbh. After so many years f compulsive over eating and binge eating, I have no full sensor anymore, and killed my metabolism--soo the doctor's suggestion to lose weight? The 2468 diet, only they call it. "gradual caloric increase and deprivation diet."

Way to trigger.
yuck.

my doctor and i are both strong proponents of weight loss surgery for me, but the fucking insurnace company says no.

that however is not an option for you unless you are like 4'10"
Even if it was, my family wouldn't let me. And my doctor says that I'm too heavy to have an ED and any anorexic behaviour I have is 'food centered dieting'
idiot. you need a new doctor sounds like because you have an ED anyone who weighs themselves 3 times a day has an ED. it may not have an official name, but weight obsession is weight obsession.